Self Worth

Being tortured by nothing

Because that is what I am

I have no perception of self

Just these rusty hands

Tortured by routine,

All happiness be damned.

Can, I be more?

Will I be set free?

These questions go unanswered,

As hope is not routine.

The mirror holds the truth,

And it shows nothing.

Who Cares

Death of a dream, has become the thing

To keep me up at night.

I used to be so lively, now all reality brings

Is a hollowed shell, embarrassed of his own sight. 

Four years ago me would look in shame,

And say I have no right to be me.

But I’m currently too lazy to care, 

Going through the motions will set me free.

Who needs a dream when you can be comfortable?

My TV, my phone, and my bed is all I need,

It’s too hard to dream, to think, sometimes breath,

I will have fun just being numb, please let me be.

Don’t Date Me

You drive me crazy

Like a sleepless night,

Because of a crying baby.

Not that you are annoying,

You are my baby.

Not like my kid though,

I mean romantically.

As you can see, I don’t know how to flirt.

Hi my name is Wes, I like your shirt.

Wow! I love brown,

It reminds me of dirt.

But like, the good kind?

The one that nourishes the earth.

So you wanna go out?

I will show you what I’m worth.

Come on, I’m nice, you can choose worse.

I’m like a bad scary movie,

There’s nothing to fear.

My heart is a two man bike,

And I want you in the rear.

I mean, not in my butt.

Well, maybe later.

Its up to you, really.

Sorry, I’m shy and a little silly,

I have to say, you are very pretty.

You wake up with that face?

You are a Potato 🥔

Writing metaphors for you is hard.

Maybe you are like a hamster,

No, probably a car

You go vroom vroom in my heart,

You are the last cookie in the jar.

I will be sad if I ate you,

So I wil admire you from afar,

With all your brown chocolate sweetness,

You are my sugary love,

My weakness.

I have dreams of licking you (like a cookie…and maybe more)

It leaves my sleepless.

You are like a shooting star,

Seeing you leaves me speechless.

And God granted me my one wish,

To love and be loved by someone

And our love is the deepest.

So I guess I am saying that if you were pizza,

You would be deep dish.

And I will be any topping you desire,

Possibly a jalapeño,

To show the world that our relationship is fire.

And you are my Oprah

Because all you do is inspire.

My love for you is like my credit card debt,

Everyday it gets higher.

And like my college debt, I will be with you forever,

Even after I expire.

Forever a Number

I have to say, today was a little more than hard.

I ran out of money,

And I can’t get to work because I don’t have a car,

Was promised a promotion,

But because of Covid, it got barred.

My bank calls me every week,

I maxed out both my cards.

If I gave you my soul, would that pay my debt?

Yeah that’s rough, but I’m flawed.

First I was a grade, now I’m a replaceable negative dollar sign,

Forever a number, oh my God.

I am more than a commodity, but honestly

As you squeeze the life out of me,

I feel as though I’m a slave.

But even a slave has use,

Hurry, dig me a grave,

Pay it yourself for once.

Tell my mom I was brave.

I’m being buried alive, I can’t bare to see her face,

I’m not living, only getting closer to death,

I’m a deathly disgrace.

Mondays

No matter how good my weekend could be,

I dread that last hour before bed on Sunday.

I cannot help but to project myself forward to tomorrow

And ruin the rest of my week.

Because on Mondays, I die

The light inside my eyes, come to a close

And I must work to survive,

I must vanquish my happiness

So that I can provide, just for myself

But I’m only providing a roof over my head,

And some clothes,

All the while losing my purpose inside.

Obviously, one is more valuable,

And I feel that I’m losing.

I just want to hide.

I just want to cry,

Someone give me a hug, before I work this 9 to 5.

Give me a Direction

I sit and I wait,

I think and I hesitate,

Can I be productive today?

But the root of that thought

Is from habit and loss

Masquerading as purpose, a four year degree.

If I’m not learning or my brain isn’t hurting,

Then I should hurry to find something to fulfill me.

But though school is newly over,

I’m feeling older as my mind stresses what I want to be.

But after eons of thinking,

The question isn’t what, its who,

And the answer is me.

 

Help

Why do I, keep going through the motions?

I’m missing out on life, slowly succumbing to this poison,

My hopes are frozen,

My body partakes in nothing,

While my mind rages with emotion.

But why can’t I move?

I am broken.

Chained, my pain goes unspoken.

But, I cannot sit still,

I am the main character of my life,

I am a warrior, this burden I will kill!

I don’t need help,

I play with my mental health for the thrill,

Of it all,

The rise, and the fall

The self-made drama,

To drown out the fact, that I am,

Alone.

 

 

Crush

I don’t know what to write, because all I want to do is hide

Today I looked into your eyes, and all my confidence had died

My heart has been shackled, by a loving riptide.

But why does this cause my mind,

To only conjure cyanide?

My soul is being poisoned,

By thoughts of you and I,

You only see me smile,

Yet, I only want to weep, when you’re by my side.

So I hide, and I fake, and I lie,

Reluctantly waiting, for this crush to subside.

Everlasting

My eyes bloom wide

As your smile encapsulates the sunshine

I will stare on, til my heart overflows

Or til I go blind,

For no matter how hard I look,

Not a more beautiful person I can find,

And nevermind, if we cannot be together

You and I will live forever,

On the inside,

From our first hug,

To our last departing cry,

For true happiness is not an object,

It’s the bond, between you and I.

Grateful for

Growing up is not what it seems,

Sometimes I can’t feel my heart,

And when I do, it’s reminded of fleeting dreams,

It seems that all I chase is the next day, and flimsy green things,

Equating money with happiness, but regret is all it brings,

I always have trouble moving forward,

But time continually moves behind the scenes,

I feel like I’m handcuffed to a sinking ship,

I’m underwater and no one can hear my screams,

Slowly dying inside, this existence is but a fling,

These are the words of my mind,

Leaving me to rot in its suffering,

But today my heart can feel, past my shaken dreams,

I feel my sadness is a choice,

And that I can be grateful for so many things,

There’s so much to be happy for, if I could do it well I would sing,

I’m grateful for the adversity life gave to shape me,

And all the opportunities hard work and patience brings,

My beautiful flaws that make me far from perfect,

And the amazing people that love me despite these things,

I don’t want to waste my life being down and out,

Drowning underwater and choking on desperate screams,

No, I want to shout and press on,

Because I am much more, than nothing.

Change

I want to feel something real other than this pain,

Anxiety and guilt have been creeping into my brain,

I can’t count the days that feel the same,

1 day, 1 week, 1 year, life is a twisted game,

That takes life’s sorrows and makes you feel that you’re to blame,

But I’ve been feeling numb and its a shame,

That this world has left me heartless and in darkness,

But my flesh feels too comfortable to change.

Impulse

I find the best time to live is when I’m not thinking,

Just acting on impulse,

The hidden feelings past the clouds of judgment formed in my own mind,

’cause when I think, I break,

On those thoughts I act

I feel fake,

I’m a calculated robot

There’s no risk I would take,

And when my dreams fail,

I’m consumed with self-hate,

I look to the sky and accept my fate,

That if I keep living in tomorrow,

There will be no sense of today,

There will be no concept of now,

And my soul won’t escape,

The false perception of truth

That I chase day after day.

For I am looking for myself in a day that doesn’t exist

I am here now, but my flesh and bones can’t resist,

To find fault in today and for tomorrow persist,

Thinking I can change, so each day I lunge with my fists,

For eternity punching a wall, drowning in a bloody sarcophagus.

“Why can’t I be happy?” I repeat,

Over and over again,

Days become weeks, weeks become months become years,

And I’m left covered in blood,

This fight only leaving me tears.

But yet, there are two sides to every coin,

Channel that fight for tomorrow for today,

Fight for what you can feel, and what your heart refuses to disbelieve,

You are the main character of your life,

Don’t be afraid to grit those teeth and bleed,

You deserve more,

You are more,

Now stand up, and lead.

All in a Days Disappointment

I work out and grew thirty pounds,

Built a wall of muscle around my heart,

But women still make me weak,

My heart rate accelerates,

And I become scared to speak,

I look big,

But on the inside, I feel so small

I sometimes loathe the feelings I get,

So sometimes, I loathe myself,

Because any synonym of love, makes me feel pain,

Why would I want to feel something that haunts my heart

And blurs my brain?

Why do I have to feel, that I need you?

And why does this concept of ‘you’ even exist?

Yet my heart persists, that it can get past this shame,

These feelings, they’re a game,

I don’t want to have any feelings for you,

I don’t want to,

I don’t want you,

But my soul doesn’t feel the same,

My existence is at war,

And the battles are between the walls that now define my heart and my brain,

I can’t escape, I am slain,

Trapped in a world where women leave,

When even a subtle hint of my feelings become plain,

Only to despise myself in the end,

For daring to share more than my name.

 

 

Why Can’t I, Feel?

Do we do things because we must

Or because we feel it in our hearts?

Where does love end

And where does ritual start?

It seems like I keep going through the motions

And I can’t tell the two apart.

My heart is numb,

But my brain is sharp,

Yet I don’t know if I act in light

Or lag in the shadows of the dark.

I tell myself that my intentions are true,

But my actions of sincerity are far and few

Non-existent to you,

And lately, I have been viewing love like an obligation

A donation here

A smile there.

I pity you

I envy you

You have a heart

And I don’t have any clue

Where I should go

Or what I should do.

Why can’t I feel?

I can touch

But I can’t feel

They say that my heart beats

But I can’t feel

This distant soul shivers in its shell

But I can’t feel.

I want others to hear my heart beat

But, why can’t I feel?

Til My Last

My impulse goes to the wind,

As I begin to recollect, what it means to feel again,

The weight of love,

And the struggle of not being loved back,

The relationship between romance and purpose,

And gauging my emptiness until my soul turns black,

The thoughts that ruled my youth,

My self-inflicted heart attacks,

That, corrupted my head,

With poison and dread,

To the point where love is now terrifying,

‘Cause a year ago it left me for dead,

Shotgun wound to the chest, I was bleeding out in my bed,

And as my heart was leaking,

I caught Death winking, and he kissed me on the head,

He then bent over and said:

“This is not dying, only an illusion

You need to suffer once to silence the confusion,

Though you may be here again,

This state won’t be the end,

One day you’ll be happy,

You’ll be in love with your best friend.”

He then left, leaving but a scar on my chest,

I too felt a hole in my heart,

But I made a promise, with myself I will fill up the rest,

Because if I can’t be happy with myself,

I can’t give anyone my best,

So with my all, I will try,

To love til my last breath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Smile

I’ve become so strong, yet I can’t help but to feel restless,

Around you I can feel my heart beat, you make me weak,

And my mind’s become obsessive,

Maybe its because my feelings are far and few between,

Maybe its because I’m a lost servant who can’t remember

The last time I’ve served a Queen,

Nor can remember the emotions behind,

Love and romantic times,

The highs and lows,

Trust or touch, and it shows,

That I’m helpless and impatient

‘Cause my mind only knows,

How to think about you,

And my face glows,

When I see you,

‘Cause from all this time, I knew,

You’re the only one in the whole world who smiles more,

Than I do.

Enjoy the Rest

Haven’t wrote a poem in so long ’cause I forgot what’s it like to be sad,

Can’t even sit and reminisce, because I forgot the pain that I had,

It doesn’t take any effort, don’t got to fake it to be glad,

I just live one day at a time, sounds like a crime, don’t hate don’t be mad,

You can be happy too, just take a deep breath,

Look all around you because you have infinite opportunities,

If you fail, you have an infinite amount left,

Smile because inside you’re flawed but can be beautiful,

And take pride when you’re at you’re best,

Spend time with the people you love,

And you’ll always feel blessed,

Chase the happiness in your heart,

Get high off of it and become obsessed,

Because life is too short,

So please, enjoy the rest.

Fear

People can be replaced,

As my thoughts for you are erased,

I used to love you, and now, I don’t care,

But when I look deep into my eyes,

I feel pain, and I see you there,

I see loneliness,

And I see you there,

I see bitterness, and

I see you there,

But you’re not there,

Only your lasting impression,

Failure and the embodiment of my fears.

New Her

I thought of a poem last night,

And after a second, it was gone,

Much like my thoughts of you,

They are gone, gone, gone,

But my feelings, those are still hurt,

You can see it my happy eyes,

Sometimes they tell lies,

As my heart is in the dirt,

But that’s only for a second,

As I think of a future that once was,

And daydream of a new one,

With her.

 

Much More

Sometimes I feel life means nothing,

But why does my heart always feel something

and never tells me what it means?

If we all are to die,

What is the point of chasing dreams?

We fight for dust

The earth will rust with or without us

Our existence is as plain as a static screen

But with noise, ’cause we scream

Searching for the meaning of our hearts,

Past our skin and beyond our things,

Dying to live in a world

Where we mean much more, than nothing.

Same

Lately I’ve been thinking,

There’s just nothing to think about,

I feel the same,

I am the same,

I’m not alive, it’s just oxygen that fuels my brain,

Self pity that sparks my blame,

Unmotivation that ignites my shame,

And each day takes out the flame,

Because I am a man of movement,

But I’m stuck and I can’t change,

I’m grounded by my decisions and my hesitation are my chains

I’d say I’ll take a leap of faith,

But I only believe in myself,

That’s always been the same.

So maybe I’ll break and fall,

Plead and crawl,

Reaching to not be the same.

What Do You Stand For?

I used to stand for:

Dreams,

And love,

And now I stand for none of the above,

Sold my soul for expectations,

And I say that’s enough.

I’m in too deep,

Way over my head,

God, will someone please give me a hug?

Just give me a hug,

Because I’m going back in,

It’s the way of the world:

Win, Win, Win.

Going to get a degree that’s,

the very opposite of my dreams,

Because I pursue stability and other things

That my dreams can’t readily bring.

So here I am,

Fate in my hands,

Going to please the world

Before I accept who I am,

Leaving my dreams to dust,

And burying myself in the sand.

 

Because if I live for nothing,

Then this world may give me a chance.

New Year, Same World

Why do I always feel, forgotten?

Why do I always feel like, like I’m at the bottom?

I don’t know the answers,

But I know that I consistently want what I cannot have,

Yet I still succeed,

I complain to the top,

Yet my soul still bleeds,

Because I want more of what I don’t need,

I seek advice that I don’t heed,

I scramble to define my existence by what others see,

But none of my pleasures, just never,

Complete me,

I need me, is it my consciousness, or my possessions?

Its obvious, but if it’s so obvious, why to vanity do I concede?

I fear these notions, they cause me to reminisce,

And I feel pain, and I bleed,

Why can’t I just be vain?

Why can’t I just look at you and be the same?

Why do I have to second guess my thoughts

and erase my name?

Why do I think so deep,

When wages is what I was born to achieve?

This world doesn’t need thoughts,

It doesn’t need pain,

And it doesn’t need, me,

Save for my hands, and my feet,

The real me, but a pair of eyes, suffocating for more to be.

Mind Games

The heart deceives what the soul believes

What side will you choose?

Why Can’t I?

I know we’ve been broken up for 6 months or so,

But it’ll take me a while to get over you, a lifetime or so

So tell me why I can’t reminisce, the pain it haunts me though

So tell me how,

How can’t I think about us when I’m lonely?

How you left me for someone else and said I was your only

How you said you missed me, and died to hold me

But you craved someone else’s lips because he reminded you of the old me,

How can’t I be afraid to love when our rotten souls need

Replacements and lies to massacre the old need,

The one that claimed you were in love and wanted to grow old with me,

But its not you’re fault because your heart is pure and chooses what it should see,

A life of self-justification that hides the regret which is me.

Born and Raised

Ever since I got off the train, I’ve been counting down the rest of my days

When I can get back on it and run away

I’m in the town that broke my heart, how can you think that I’m ok?

My heart burst into a river, now I’m forever full of hate,

Oh, I tried to end it all last night, but it’s too late,

I’m going to die alone in hell, yeah that’s my fate

Oh, will the train come again, or will I suffocate?

Existence

What becometh man falls into the hands of time and wastes away

Drowning Out

When you can’t think of the words or rhymes,

To get you through the crying fits and the tough times,

But all you want to do, is jump off a bridge and drown

‘Cause it’s that much easier to be gone in the ground, 

Than to think, when you know how weak you are,

Once you know where your heart is truly found.

If I had a Nickel

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t tell you I loved you,

By 25, I could pay off my student loans.

And if I had a nickel for every time I showed you I loved you,

The sidewalk and a card board box would be my home,

Because not a single day will go by when my love for you will not be known.

Regret

I don’t know if I miss your affection,

But I’ve been feeling dizzy

And can’t feel any connections 

I sit down and think but all I see in my reflections,

Is you.

My day starts and ends with a thought of you,

My dreams revolve around the future, I used to desire with you,

Am I still in love, or does my mind refuse to move?

I’m afraid to admit the truth, but when we first met,

My heart of hearts, already knew.

So call me a fool, but I’m still in love with you.

When Dreams Meet Reality

I’m tired of this world and it’s consequences 

I can’t read minds but you expect me to be comprehensive 

Yet your thoughts are violent and defy common senses 

And my two cents is that I can’t be who you want me to be,

I can’t feel what you want me to see,

You and me are just not meant to be,

We had our time, but you belong to you

And I belong to me.

Treason

The cold reached my joints first,

Making each movement and draw of breath,

Stiff like the winter ground,

My veins, they froze too,

The last thing I heard was one heartbeat,

And a crisp, crackling sound,

My steps became few,

As your warmth could not be found,

Your actions pierced like knives,

And in our memories I have drowned,

But doubt is a false King,

I have the last say, I have the crown

So try me for treason,

But I won’t stop now.

Most Valued Friend

Thank you for listening to my sadness and my pain,

For speaking words of truth,

When you had nothing to gain,

Thank you for showing me some light,

When darkness had corrupted my brain,

You were there when I needed you the most,

Without your ears, I would have gone insane,

And now after some time,

You have helped me heal my hurt and shame,

And I would be ashamed, if I couldn’t do the same,

So if you need me, just say my name,

I value anyone who lifts my heart,

Thank you, your efforts aren’t in vain.

                                                                                                      

Shout out to my good friend Dielle for being there and listening to my pain when I was hurting the most. Thank you 🙂

Friend Zone

I’m filled with love,

But we can only move forward as friends,

When will enough be enough?

I need this torture to end,

But to get you back,

We must start all over again,

Can my heart hold on,

As I die to pretend?

Nothing.

Because of you,

I have never been happier

And because of you,

I have fallen to the lowest I’ve ever become,

And it would be a shame,

If those experiences cancelled,

And we became, nothing.

Fading but not Gone

And the mirror shattered onto the earth,

All the pieces that reflected his heart

We’re scattered lifelessly onto the ground,

With no will, they were left trampled underfoot,

By the faceless people that make up this world,

Many were grinded into dust,

Others tossed to the wind,

And the man was left there, with a mocking shadow

That too joined the faceless crowd,

He was now alone, but not so,

For his memories still assaulted the glass,

That was long broken.

Haunted and desolate, to the darkness he returned,

For the world was better without him,

So his mind had begged,

But to return to the darkness,

To the ground he must go,

Time seemed endless without hope,

And existence without resolve,

Is best left to the dead.

Feeling this truth,

He grabbed a rope,

And tied it to the fan above,

With his aching bones,

He stepped up onto the glass table

For hopefully the last time,

Shivering with tears in his eyes,

He tied the rope around his neck

And kicked the glass table to the side,

His face quickly filled with blood,

As he gurgled and he spewed,

These were his last breaths, he knew,

But like his mind, the fan was too weak,

And he crumbled to the ground,

Shattering the glass table below.

He woke up a bloody mess, surrounded by glass of his death

He had lost both his life and his death, that day

And now the question is, what is left?

So desperate he became,

And he picked up a piece of glass,

“Heck if I…will lose my heart today”

He muttered, as he clawed the carpet floor,

Collecting any speck of dust that once,

Made up the reflection of his heart.

 

All You Won’t Let Me: 6

I will use my poems to say,

All you won’t let me:

I love you, now

Goodbye,

I can’t take this pain, anymore

I lied,

I can’t wait,

If I do, I’ll die,

I tell myself this will be ok,

But I woke up and immediately cried,

I’m being warned by my soul,

That waiting around, is suicide.

                                                                                                 

I’m close to getting her back, and we have resolved many of our issues. But no matter how much I want to wait, I physically cannot. So I am stuck. I am petrified of asking for another chance only to be rejected again, and I’m petrified of holding everything inside, because the pain is effecting my relationships with others, as well as my work performance, and just the fact that I cry too much and feel real physical pain. I am too weak, and I need help. 

Teach Me

I can do this all on my own,

I have resolve but weak old bones,

Madness overcame my home,

And the sun shines,

Only when pain grows,

But can you teach me,

How to be whole?

Teach me to be patient,

And to find happiness in others, I need pleasure in my soul?

On the surface I am stable,

But my subconscious is in control,

I feel what I hate,

And self-destruction is the goal,

But no. No, no, no,

Please don’t go

The only me that I know,

Teach me how to love myself,

Teach me how to feel, before letting go,

Before I forget your face, and our memories melt in the snow,

Slowly dripping into rusted gutters,

Lost in the deep darkness, in the foundation below.

 

 

Turn Back Now

I deny myself of life,

Because I’m afraid of what I don’t know,

Oh me of little faith,

Where can I run, where can I go?

Where can I hide, when the only place left

Is inside?

I’ve trapped in all of the fear,

The anxiety holds me near,

No matter how much of myself I let go.

So holding onto my own emptiness,

I fall in limbo,

Staring up at what could have been,

And descending to what is,

What I have created,

Everything below is what I have destroyed,

To become,

A pathetic coward,

Allergic to life and to the sun,

I can’t walk a step,

Because I fear the ground,

I’m afraid of the dark,

Because I can’t see what’s around,

The ocean is so fast and unknown,

But I’m afraid I’ll just drown,

But above all, I’m afraid of the mirror,

It’s light, it’s hopeful smile, it’s too bright,

It’s mocking, my failure is it’s delight,

Determined to bury me, in the ground,

With all of it’s might,

But I might, I might,

Just stare my darkness in the eyes,

By looking down,

My shadow is my best friend,

It’s too hard, to turn back now.

 

All You Won’t Let Me: 5

I will use my poems to say,

All you won’t let me:

I don’t know if it was a mistake,

But we talked and I told you, all you won’t let me,

And barely seeing the sun, you went back into your shell,

Now I’m in torture, climbing up from hell,

Because my true words condemn me,

And you’re repelled,

Your heart skipped a beat when I said, ‘I love you’

Why couldn’t I tell?

That those words weren’t what you needed?

I try to offer support,

But now you’re defeated,

Thinking of the past,

Your feelings are depleted,

Can this last,

Can I still stay conceded?

When I tell you how I feel,

Do you not believe it?

Or is it too much?

It all must be too much,

I just need direction,

Because I crave your attention, more than your touch,

Your love used to give me a rush,

But I inherently crave pain,

And I don’t know when enough is enough,

But I’ll keep stabbing my heart,

Until ‘you’ and ‘I’ become bloody ‘Us.’

All You Won’t Let Me: 4

I will use my poems to say,

All you won’t let me:

I trust you but I’m not good with patience,

In just 24 hours without you,

I lose all of my happy foundations,

Fill up with frustration,

The first thing that I see is you leaving,

And nothing but pain runs down the path of my imagination,

I need you daily, you’re my soul’s medication,

I’ve been relapsing for two months,

And your silence is no justification,

So just give me one breath,

And tell me ‘hi’

I’m not asking for what’s left,

Just one word then pass me by,

I’m not obsessed,

I’m just falling when I’m used to feeling high,

Floating in the clouds, seeing your beautiful face in the sky,

But now I’m falling through our rain,

Yet every part of me is dry.

Kiss

We’re almost there,

I can feel it

So let’s go up above, and once again

Get lost in each other,

Dilated eyes,

Sparks in the sky,

Let’s kiss, and ignite in wonder.

 

My Best, Causes Pain

He never raised you, but

I can see my dad in your eyes,

I didn’t know your smile, was

Another mask, a disguise,

You’re all the same, sister,

I don’t know why I’m so surprised

And like always, this entity is crushing my bones

I run out of breath as you suck out my life,

I guess to not be like, the only person you hate

You have to live with him for 14 years, to find the escape,

And to be the opposite of your bane,

To know what not to do, and bottle in the pain,

For I have forgiven every sin against me, but one,

14 years of verbal abuse by the one who called me ‘son’

Now I’m petrified, as I relapse and I cry,

I’m never good enough, my soul is now dry

As I sit and wonder why, it’s always my fault,

Is it better if I died?

Now all I’ve done wrong, has built up and is worse, for you

You told my brother-in-law you want a divorce, you’re through

I’ve only been here for two months, yet it’s my fault, who knew?

That every time I live, I hurt someone new

But they always tell me the same:

“I know you have good intentions”

But how the hell does that sit well, in my brain?

Even at my best I cause pain,

I am myself and I cause pain,

I give my all, smile, and I, cause pain

I love, and still, I cause pain,

And they always ask, why I’m so detached,

Why I curl up alone, and to my earphones I latch,

It’s because I’d rather rot alone,

Than to be genuine and cause pain to the people I’d want to be attached

All You Won’t Let Me: 3

I will use my poems to say,

All you won’t let me:

I’m sorry for not being there, when you needed me,

I’ll try my best to be here for you now,

I know it may seem too late, but I’m not your enemy,

I’ll pick you right back up and show you how,

I know you feel alone,

But though we’re apart, you’re still my strength,

I wake up each morning and still chase after you,

So believe in yourself more because you give me hope,

And to have you again, I’d go to any lengths,

So believe in yourself because I still believe in you,

I believe you can come back around,

Because I’m a stubborn loving fool,

So prove me right for yourself, that you can get better,

I hate seeing you hurting, and its my fault,

But I’ll believe in you forever,

So don’t you quit, don’t you ever say, never.

                                                                                                       

All You Won’t Let Me will be a continuing series of all the things my heart aches to say to my ex who I hurt too much to currently accept my words. I hate myself that I crushed my  first love to realize that I will always inevitably become my worst enemy. And I need to pour my heart out and make amends, regardless of whether she’ll take me back or not. 

All You Won’t Let Me: 2

I will use my poems to say,

All you won’t let me:

And you said, “I feel you’d accept anything to have me back,”

And girl, you’re far from wrong,

But you think I wouldn’t change?

Habits are a bitch,

But I’d exchange my brain for you,

But that’s the thing,

It’s too late to change,

This one’s on you,

You’re lost and don’t know what to do,

Who can you trust, when you always lose?

Your heart is a hole of empty promises,

And you can’t help but feel confused,

But you can lean on me,

I may have hurt you, but our hearts are still fused,

It’s just that they feel pain, or nothing at all,

But for you I will not be weak,

I’ll accept it and stand tall,

Because before we were lovers, we were best friends

We are best friends, and I refuse to let you crumble and fall

                                                                                                                                          

All You Won’t Let Me will be a continuing series of all the things my heart aches to say to my ex who I hurt too much to currently accept my words. I hate myself that I crushed my  first love to realize that I will always inevitably become my worst enemy. And I need to pour my heart out and make amends, regardless of whether she’ll take me back or not. 

All You Won’t Let Me: 1

I will use my poems to say,

All you won’t let me:

I’m sorry for replacing you in my heart,

Six months ago,

I deserve to feel your pain now,

And more, I know,

I came back to you, but still drifted

You loved me with all that you had,

And I missed it,

I hate myself that I missed it,

Because I miss it, now,

How, could I have been so blind?

My heart aches for you now, and always had,

Even when I showed no signs,

I may have hurt you beyond repair,

But don’t leave me behind,

Oh please, don’t leave me behind,

You mean to me, as much as I mean to you,

I just want to feel whole, I want you to be mine.

                                                                                                    

All You Won’t Let Me will be a continuing series of all the things my heart aches to say to my ex who I hurt too much to currently accept my words. I hate myself that I crushed my  first love to realize that I will always inevitably become my worst enemy. And I need to pour my heart out and make amends, regardless of whether she’ll take me back or not. 

Death by a Thousand Words

I hate that I am only words, to you

I’ve tried the best I can,

All I can say is that I love you, a thousand times more,

And collapse onto the ground,

Clenching my heart as I bleed out in a pool of tears,

But you will leave me there,

You will leave me because of what I did over the year,

Because of your guards, and your empty fears,

So you will watch me drown on my knees,

As you drown inside and struggle to breathe,

But I will catch that last breath,

Both for you, and for me,

For I’d gladly drown and wail,

You’re killing me by cuts of a thousand words,

But I’ll cut my heart out and prevail,

For my heart may be torn and never heal,

But my brain can also feel,

That my love for you is everlasting, and is real,

So wait as I stand back up,

You’re numb now,

But haven’t felt me yet,

You’re numb now,

But I’m still here hurting besides you,

Don’t you forget,

That I’m here to show you I am more than words,

I want to be more to you, than a thousand regrets.

Self-Inflicted

How do you wait for the one you love, that doesn’t love you back?

You rip out your heart, before your mind attacks,

You damn your soul before it corrodes to black,

Butcher your skin before your feelings collapse,

Your lover filled your heart,

And now nothingness comes to fill your pores and cracks,

But I’d rather dictate the pain,

Then let the process move in and unpack.

Bones

Oh, I am empty,

The pain inside has left me,

All I am is bones,

And they’re feeling kind of heavy.